Oh not again

Oh not again

I think I might win Instagram handle changer of the year. I’ve been through more identities in 2018 than socks and it must look like a car crash from the outside at times. You must have sometimes thought “I didn’t follow this account did I?” Only to find it’s me as a “new me” again.

So I feel I owe a bit of explanation.

Trying for a baby, well it makes my brain so complicated. Hormones make all my hopes for the future wooly. I get lost. Unsure who I am during a cycle. It’s uncomfortable and little scary at times. Though I know it’s all for good reason (well it will be if it ever blaardy works) on the flip side, it feels like I lose huge chunks of time, and have to relearn who I am again after. I’ve sometimes made decisions under its effects that I’ve regretted later. And after?

Stronger? But a little more heart broken? Worried more about my son ever having a brother or sister. More grateful than ever for him. Worrying that the efforts since were for nothing. The money lost, the tears spilled, the friendships strained, the beautiful women giving us their eggs, the months lost as hormone girl, not me.

Oh please don’t let them end up being pointless. Please don’t let infertility win. It’s been my enemy since I was 15. I need to squash it. Stamp on it. Swear at it. Tell it to go screw itself because I won.

So each failed cycle I feel, towards the end, like I need to hide away. Lick my wounds. Find the confidence to come out again. So I change an Instagram handle, archive a few photos that made me feel a little too bare.

As the hormones leave my system, as I start to see strength instead of failure in myself, and self esteem starts to mend (well patch up with sticking plasters), I set new goals. I change again.

Only for a few months later the cycle to start over.

This time we are unsure which route to go. Hurt by those meant to help during our last experience and still trying to help them see why so it doesn’t happen to the next hopeful couple. Planning for adoption and IVF as we try to work out where we feel comfortable. Look out for a gut feeling (please let one appear like the one that led to our son. So far my instincts have got nothing).

I felt like I owed you guys an explanation. And thanks those of you who stuck my me as I constantly go from caterpillar to butterfly and back again

Right now, because of dual planning for adoption, I’m keeping lower profile face wise. Aware that a future child might need me to be more anonymous. Which feels weird as I enjoy chatting with you guys. I hate over thinking posts. Hate not having a crystal ball to just know the future dam it.

I’ve been following alot of people who finally had their miracle positive tests lately. Some on their first IVF. And my first thought is “thank God you don’t have to go through more”. I smile for them. My second thought is “why couldn’t we be like them”. “Why can’t I just share wh I wouldn’t charge anything up to my son. I wouldn’t want anyone else but him. So I try and trust that this current journey will one day feel that same way. But right now it’s hard to trust it. Really hard. Hard to know who to trust in general but I still have a little hope.

Which is what I am concentrating on in life and here. In my shop and my social stuff. Because that’s what has got me through. It’s what gets us all through all kinds of situations. It what helps us make brave decisions. The world can always do with more of it. And a little fundraising through the sales helps me feel something good is coming of all of this.

So I’m here. And those of you that still leave a comment please know it does mean a lot. That you aren’t just her for the drama of a cycle but for friendship too. It means a lot.

I hope you will still have me?

1 Comment

  1. Deb
    December 30, 2018 / 5:06 pm

    Hi Jules,
    I am, like you, still struggling through this journey. All the emotional rollercoasters you describe above I’m living everyday, smiling sweetly as people who ask my age and how long I’ve been married and then drop the clanger of a question “don’t you want kids then….?”. If only people would engage brain rather than mouth!!
    I’m about to start my second round of IVF, after my first one ended in emergency surgery following a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks- broken doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling when the heartbeat doesn’t show up on the scan.
    You have all of us to support you through your struggles!

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