That little space that aches

That little space that aches

We’ve just come back from a festival. It’s lasted only 3 days, yet I went away saying “meh I don’t feel in a hurry for the next IVF cycle”, and on the return (literally in the car on the way home) emailed our clinic to book that next cycle (I blame the ridiculous ratio of cute siblings in pull along trolleys with fairy lights on, seriously)

Because I have that little space that aches in my heart. For my son to experience a sibling. For us to experience pregnancy. And it doesn’t go away. It just gets pushed to the bag where it prods me every now and again.

I’ve found both with IVF and adoption, going with my gut is the only way I can do it. Wait until the time feels right….and then bam 100 mile’s an hour.

Except that’s my problem. The weight at which I throw myself into it after that decision. All or nothing. Go, go, go! And I schedule in things like mindfulness and fertility yoga…but it’s between work, events, never saying no because ‘the infertility monster can’t win” and basically filling every second of my time.

It’s a coping mechanism I didn’t really see I did, until it was mentioned to me recently.

Can you just slow the f**k down Jules!

And slowing down doesn’t come natural. Sure I can blank my mind for a 15 minute meditation, but that’s been scheduled into my list for the day, sandwiched between putting the washing in decorating the living room. It feels allowed

So this time, it’s in the process of being booked, but for over a month a way. And I know I’ll be tempted to fly around like one of those crazy daddy long legs bumping into everything, trying to get our ducks in a row, but I’m also going to try and remember that shit doesn’t need to be perfect before transfer day. I can live with seeing the fireplace missing it’s last coat of paint from the comfort of the sofa as a PUPO. It’s okay that everything is falling out of the wardrobe because Steve hasn’t had chance to make the doors yet. I’m not going to give two hoots if we get those two pink lines.

On a serious note this is our last frostie with our friend and donor Amber. It does add a little extra nerves because I so want this little frostie for a hundred reasons. Even more reason the keep things slow this time. We have a different medication plan, we are settled in our new home, I’m only doing one job! I feel positive, that we have a chance, that we can give it our best shot. That’s all we can do right?

I’ll let you guys know if we get an exact date soon. I’m not sure exactly how we will share this cycle. Probably Instagram updates and then film a video diary but pp it up after test day. I’m not sure right now. I love the way the Instagram community wraps itself around you to hold you together during cycles, and I don’t have much time for editing so that might work. With updates on here because sometimes there are just to many emotions for an Instagram caption. A diary for those of you going through this too, and Josh and a for a future little one I guess.

Speak to you soon. Jules x


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