For the last week or so I’ve felt anxiety building. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Waking up with my heart racing at what feels like a million beats a second. Feeling worried but over nothing. Over thinking everything, and I’ve been confused about why…
But today a little lightbulb went off I guess.
It’s like life is an old pair of trousers, that just don’t seem to fit anymore.
I’ve been doing things because I’ve always done them.
Doing things because I feel a duty too.
Because I don’t want to let people down.
Because they are safe.
Because I’m scared to take a jump and change things, in a way that might look small to someone else, but to me feels so drastically.
I’m starting to tire of saying things are “fine”, but feeling guilty because so much is good. But the things that are good are being overwhelmed by the things that aren’t quite right.
I give myself no down time to let the thoughts of what could be in, so instead they show up in the form of anxiety. I’ve been busy with moving plans and IVF cycles. My brain and heart getting frustrated with hinting at me, and me telling it to shhh and turning up the music, and making more lists.
I heard today, the odds of you being born, at the exact time you were born, to the parents you were born to, is 1 in 40 trillion! No wonder we are all so unique.
And every single person, including you reading this right now, has the ability to be life changing to someone. Good or bad. We all have ideas that could change our life, and we half the time we don’t do anything with them. Fear, change, snoozing!
Or in my case, keeping busy so I avoid hearing those thoughts niggling at me that I need to change a few things. That life is currently like the wrong size of clothes. I can’t keep just undoing the button and helping myself to more! (metaphorically, I can totally keep doing that IRL for roast dinners to be fair).
But when anxiety symptoms creep in, I know I HAVE to do something about it. However scary that is to me.
So May is about forcing myself to stop pushing the snooze button on those uncomfortable thoughts. It’s about switching the TV or music off in the quiet times, saying no to helping someone else because I can’t be strong enough to do that if I don’t give myself time too…. and grabbing a journal to write down the rambles in my head. To let them tumble out until they start to make some sense.
If you’re feeling a little like life is the wrong size at the moment, I found these TEDx talks really inspiring. Have a watch. Who knows what our life could be like in a few months time, because let’s remember. We can change it. We just need to listen to what our hearts really want.
I’m not yet sure exactly what I picture life to be around the next corner. Scrap that. How I will choose for it to be. But I do know I need to change the way I deal wit the idea of change and actually listen to my intuition, observe current life at the moment, and work it out. Allow myself to picture something different and gear myself up the confidence to put it into reality. And you can do the same