So that’s it

So that’s it

9 months of planning

The upheavel of Amber’s life to help us.

All the hoping the dreaming, the eating healthy, the vitamins, the trips to London, the days off work, the tests…

For nothing.

Well I started off seeing it that way as the pregnancy tests remained white with that one lonely line. In some ways I guess I’ve every right to feel angry and to see it as all for nothing…

But I’ve been here before. More than once. I’d be doing a disservice to the last year. To all the amazing moments I’ve experienced through this last cycle.

The year I made a friend who gave me one of the greatest gifts a person ever could. Amber donating us her eggs. A friend I hope I’ll have for life. The year we made two embryos, one of which hasn’t made it, but one of which is still in the freezer and maybe has a chance.

The year we made a series that got other women calling clinics offering to donate their eggs. Sure we didn’t add to our family quite yet, but out of this, other people just might be. Isn’t that magical? And so worth this heart ache we feel to end someone else’s?

The year we found a medical team we trust. Sure it hasn’t worked this time but I don’t blame them for that. IVF isn’t an exact science. It is sadly a case of trial and error so often. I’ve felt so supportive to have nurses at the end of a text (the kindest, most dedicated ones too) and a consultant who really does seem to care. And I don’t trust easily after our horrendous experience with Prague!

I’m a little scared of the next few months and I’ll admit I’ve cried buckets. I’ve screamed into a pillow glad I had the house to myself. I’ve been unable to answer the door to the postman because I knew he heard me. I’m overwhelmed with the lists of tests out there that may help us find the answer to what I guess we are now termed under

“Repeated implantation failure

But also overwhelmed we could pay thousands for them, and more for treatments, only to find they make no difference.

Or they could.

Anyone found that crystal ball yet? I’m still looking.

So what next? I’ve a long list of tests and treatments to discuss with my consultant on Thursday (thank you everyone for your suggestions. I have had one test for NK cells which was negative though this might need retesting and we did have PGS testing but we haven’t had the rest of the immunology assay. We haven’t had the relatively new ERA test either).

I’ve emailed a counselor to helped me navigate this a little more clearly.

I was offered time off work but chosen to carry on. I’m really lucky to have the bosses do. But IVF affects so much of life that I’ll be damed if it’s putting any more pressure than needed on my career. Plus today was the first time I’ve had serious training in video editing. Little me who learnt from YouTube and late nights practising, in a room full of professional editors on the advanced course holding my own. If you’d told me that a year a go I’d have said there’s more chance of Megan Markle asking me to be her bridesmaid. And though I wondered if I’d made the right choice on the train this morning when I thought I was going to cry, writing this now on the train home I’m so glad I went. F*CK you infertility. You’ve taken a sh*tload of our money and a good deal of our sanity some days, but I’ll fight you for anything else.

Also funny story I got chatted up in a cafe in London. A rare thing nowadays. And I was laughing in my head because my brain said to me “if only he knew what a complicated mess your husband has to deal with!”

And its date night tomorrow (with my husband, not the random bearded guy above). Because right now all I want to do is have some fun with my husband. We stick by each other through anything and rarely get to be carefree just the two of us. Not without something weighing us down a little that needs discussing. I’m excited to get a little tipsy with him. For a night of fertility talk being banned. To just be us.

Because you know what infertility monster. You might affect our lives. Make us cry. Push us down different paths. Maybe take away our plan to buy a house this year. But you will never control us. Never take what we have together.

You ain’t winning

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8 Comments

  1. January 30, 2018 / 7:40 pm

    I am so sorry it didn’t work out for you, Jules. I’ve been wishing and hoping that this would be your time.

    But you’re already doing so well to see the positives that have come from your journey. You’ve inspired me to look into egg donation and I know others who feel the same.

    I hope your path, going further, becomes a little clearer.

    Lots of love xx

  2. January 30, 2018 / 7:46 pm

    I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work this time. Hopefully some of these tests can give you some answers. I will keep my fingers crossed that it happens for you in the not to distant future.

    Enjoy your date night with your hubby. X

  3. January 30, 2018 / 11:20 pm

    I am so sorry it didn’t work this time. Please don’t give up hope! You have inspiried me to donate my eggs next year after my Surrogacy journey that is due to start next week. Stay strong! Xx

  4. January 31, 2018 / 6:45 am

    you will be ok. Because you still have hope and nothing and no one can take that away from you. Your attitude is brilliant. You will be ok.
    xx

  5. Maria
    January 31, 2018 / 1:40 pm

    You were in my thoughts the whole two week wait and my heart felt for you when your post went out. I’m so so sorry this journey is so shit for you, life really doesn’t seem fair at all sometimes. I hope more that you will get to look back one day with your baby and realise why this happened. I love your outlook on it all and send you all the warmth and positivity in the world to continue this journey

  6. January 31, 2018 / 5:16 pm

    I am so so sorry Jules; it’s such a feeling of being let down isn’t it? All those months of planning, poking, prodding, procedures and now all for nothing. But as you so rightly say, you learn something every time and the friendship you have with Amber is such a special one – that alone has been worth it.
    Enjoy your date night; I’m sure you’re ready for a lovely glass of something! Loved the end of your post; infertility will never win, we will keep fighting!
    Sending so much love! xxxx

  7. January 31, 2018 / 7:32 pm

    So sorry this time it didn’t work out for you and your family. You have a really positive outlook on it all, so helpful for others on similar journeys xx

  8. Rosie
    February 1, 2018 / 12:53 pm

    This may be irrelevant as you mention eating healthily and vitamins… but have you heard of Foresight (http://www.foresight-preconception.org.uk/)?
    Although the organisation recently closed, they still have a number of practitioners working in the field of preconception care. They might be able to offer you additional advice on preparing your body for pregnancy that you hadn’t previously considered.

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